Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
