You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
