Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
