I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
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