stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
