Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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