how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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