these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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