Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
