You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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