so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
