were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
