i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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