During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
