i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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