stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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