the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
