grandma shit on top of the toilet
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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