ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
