When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
