$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
