...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
