Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
