i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
