Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
