Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize