Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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