just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
