John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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