I puked a lego.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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