I accidentally burped into my bong.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
