Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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