I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
