can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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