if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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