I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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