Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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