Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize