We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
