i don't plan on having that self control this summer
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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