There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
