i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
