Umm I'm too high to move.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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