Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
