I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
