I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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