My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
