i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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