my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
