Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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