Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
