On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
How does one acquire holy water?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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