Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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