Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
