Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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