Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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