My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
