Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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