Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
