you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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