I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
