what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
it's great music for shaving your balls
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
