But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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