My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
