Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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