First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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