haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize