I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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