I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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